


Panic Leaving Me Breathless

by SeoulWings13



Series: LiT - Daehyun Centric [4]
Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blood, Blood and Injury, Eating Disorders, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Medical Inaccuracies, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:00:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28598832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeoulWings13/pseuds/SeoulWings13
Summary: Daehyun had been told mental health wasn't something that mattered. He neglected his own mental health and spiraled into the dark world of eating disorders, self-harm, and anxiety. His members noticed, but was he too far gone?
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kang Dongho | D.Min, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kim Daehyun, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Lee Minsoo, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld/Kang Dongho | D.Min/Kim Daehyun/Lee Minsoo, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld/Kim Daehyun/Lee Minsoo, Kim Daehyun & Lee Minsoo
Series: LiT - Daehyun Centric [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2167347
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Panic Leaving Me Breathless

**Author's Note:**

> this may be inaccurate
> 
> I based it all on everything I've seen and felt. 
> 
> I have bad anxiety and such :')

There are no physical symptoms of anxiety, and the idea of depression and anxiety didn't exist. Mental illness was something he had made up to gain attention. Daehyun had been told those words every day of his life. First his parents, then his Boss, and then he stopped mentioning it. Mental disorders weren't recognized in his family and growing up, Daehyun had learned to live with it. He learned to bottle up the feeling of oncoming attacks, force them down, and leave them for later. They usually appeared with revenge when he was sleeping.

He was an idol, now three other boys living in a dorm with him. They didn't know about his triggers, his fears, the things he despised most. How could they if Daehyun never told them? Dae didn't even know his triggers or his fears. He wasn't allowed to spend time learning about his conditions that didn't exist. They didn't exist. The voices in his head were getting louder. They told him to do things he never wanted to do with the promise of making him feel better.

Daehyun had done things. Things he'd probably regret later in time, but he had done them. Why? Why would he do things that hurt so bad to appease his attention-seeking desire? He was disgusting. Despicable. Absolutely selfish and awful behavior. He was undeserving of the other members and the open arms he had received. He was a failure.

-

Daehyun had performed happily with the other members, only stressing when there was a large social situation. Crowds made him increasingly uncomfortable, but only when he was in them. Standing above and performing was fine. He managed to get his fears under control for the most part. Maybe if he tried a little harder, it would go away. He wouldn't be some greedy attention-seeker. If only Daehyun had tried to do research, he'd have seen he was valid and he mattered. He would've seen he wasn't making things up. However, Daehyun didn't. He shut that door a long time ago.

Unable to decipher the confusing thoughts swirling in his brain, Daehyun focused on something he could control. His weight. He was naturally slim, but lately, Daehyun had been feeling overweight, but he wasn't. It was a sick, twisted feeling, but there was logic to it. He was faced with something he didn't understand and he turned to something he could supposedly control. It was a plan, but it was an awful plan.

Jaewon noticed all the working out Daehyun was doing. The maknae no longer looked fragile, but his frame was still slim. He was not eating as much, consuming minuscule portions of lettuce and chicken. The younger's body was a sight to see enough to rival Dongho's. Daehyun didn't look happy, though. Not that he was ever happy. There was a parasite eating at his brain, making him feel alone and worthless.

Daehyun's eating disorder got worse. He started eating three sweet potatoes a week with an extra piece of chicken on Saturdays. The numbers were decreasing quickly, too quickly, but it still wasn't enough. He saw himself as fat, even though there was not a lick of fat on him. His anxiety had reared it's ugly head again, attacks coming on quicker and harder than before. He was trapped.

The mental bottle full of fear, worries, triggers, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and depression was cracking. One day it broke. Daehyun was so overwhelmed with repressed feelings he didn't get out of bed. He couldn't move. The feeling he had hidden was back, and he could stop them. So he groped around, looking for something to relieve his mind. His finger was cut on the sharp edge of a piece of glass. It was from a soju bottle that had shattered. The piece of glass must've been forgotten during the cleanup.

Crimson fell on the sheets, coupled with a relieved sigh.

No one knew. No one found out. The first time the members got a glimpse was when they found blood on the bathroom floor. Daehyun had emerged with a tissue held to his nose, and they had cleaned it up and laughed it off. None of the members noticed that the tissue was still white when Daehyun pulled away from his face.

Scars were things Dahyun had thought of. As an idol, tank tops and short sleeves were often a required part of his wardrobe. Dahyun let the skin heal before he made the next cut. This way there would be no evidence.

-

Daehyun was thrust into a crowd while in downtown Seoul. He didn't see any of the other members. The panic crept up and overwhelmed him. He had no defense, and the fears came rushing in. Though they were unwelcome, they lived inside the young male's mind for so long, he couldn't turn them away.

_They ditched you on purpose. You didn't matter to them._

Daehyun froze. The voice was right. His throat felt like it was closing up and his chest hurt. He was so utterly terrified, he couldn't move. Instinctively he tried to make himself smaller until there was just a figure hunched over in the corner. He was passed by people, their footsteps coming closer and closer. They were going to yell at him, make him stand up, be fine, and he'd go along with it.

_They just want you to perform for them._

Daehyun had never heard the voice this clearly. Slowly he gave himself over to it. He was watching himself from above now, numb. His body curled tighter, then he saw Minsoo. The voice went silent and Daehyun was seeing out of his own eyes again. Minsoo shook him.

"Breathe Daehyun. Breathe. Please." The other boys ran quickly toward Minsoo and the crouched form of Dae.

Circles were rubbed into Dae's back and the panic spiked again. They were pretending to be nice, they were going to tell him he was being an attention seeker. A cry escaped from Daehyun's lips. He was so scared, so alone. Gradually, the attack faded. The panic slowed and he collapsed into the nearest member's arms. Minsoo looked worried.

"How long has this been going on?"

"Long enough."

"Dae that's not an answer."

"It's enough right? There's nothing wrong with me."

"You just broke down in the middle of the city. You couldn't friking breath."

"And?"

"You have a whole friking eating disorder." Jaewon chimed in. He had noticed the lack of food Daehyun was consumed.

"Those don't exist."

"God, Dae. What have they _told_ you?"

"That they don't exist? I'm just seeking attention. I'm sorry."

Dongho grabbed Daehyun's hand. "When we get back to the dorm, tell us everything. Please."

The earnestness in his voice made Daehyun feel okay, and so he did.

-

After hearing everything, Minsoo took Daehyun to the doctors. It was concluded Daehyun had an increasing number of mental health issues, all of which he had been told didn't exist. Cleansing sobs wracked the body of the younger. He wasn't okay but that was okay. There were real problems he was dealing with, but they were getting dealt with.

All of Mayhem accepted him, mental health problems, and all. He had been hugged and they checked upon him. The razorblade was discarded, and his cuts healed. There were no scars, thankfully. In crowds, someone was always holding Daehyun's hand.

His attacks occurred less frequently. Medication was provided to him, but most importantly, he was truly free.

**Author's Note:**

> whee. im sad. i feel not like myself.


End file.
